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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25956694">are you thinking of me (when she fucks you)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/frankenvenus/pseuds/frankenvenus'>frankenvenus</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>RuPaul's Drag Race RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Crygi/Halldoll Endgame, F/F, Friends With Benefits, Jagged Little Pill (Musical) AU, Love Confessions, Non-Binary Lesbian!Gigi, Other, it hurt to write</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 08:22:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,828</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25956694</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/frankenvenus/pseuds/frankenvenus</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“At no point did we label what we were, but we most definitely were not exclusive,” Crystal grumbled. </p><p>“Yeah. Right. Why would you take this- <em>me</em> seriously, huh. But really, I’m happy for you and Jaida. I wish <em>nothing</em> but the best for you two, truly.”</p><p>Gigi and Crystal had been messing around as friends for a while now, but when Jaida shows up and sweeps Crystal off her feet, Gigi begins to break.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Gigi Goode/Crystal Methyd, Jaida Essence Hall/Crystal Methyd, Nicky Doll/Jaida Essence Hall (mentioned)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>54</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>are you thinking of me (when she fucks you)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/horrorlesbian/gifts">horrorlesbian</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>beta-d by the wonderful glitterbee and dedicated to my lovely groupchat who have been so motivating throughout this process cause i felt like shit for most of it. i love you guys.</p><p>and here is this! i realised i write so much softness, i needed a little change, and the story jagged little pill the musical is one of my favourites ever so i had to write it (and horrorlesbian wanted it so bad yeah.)</p><p>gigi has they/them pronouns throughout this and crystal has she/her.</p><p>ALSO adoption might be a sensitive topic to a few people reading so please don’t read it if that’s the case.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There were certain types of friendships where you’d have inside jokes with one another, share each other’s crushes and gossip about other friends, take pictures of one another, go out for coffee together and all those other ‘friendship goals’ activities plastered on every second Instagram post. </p><p>And then there was that other kind. </p><p>That kind of friendship that blurred the line between friend and partner. The type of friendship that was almost too intimate to be just that, but the friendship was so sacred that it couldn’t risk being made into more. That kind of friendship where you’d lay in bed together, staring at one another so close, counting the other person’s freckles. That kind of friendship where you’d be watching a movie and be cuddling close to one another, the only sounds being the film and the other’s soft breaths. That kind of friendship where you’d slip a hand into their shorts and get them off at one in the morning. </p><p>Crystal Methyd and Gigi Goode had the latter.</p><p>It had taken a while for Crystal to grasp that <em>friends don’t do that.</em> Friends don’t pair up for a school science project then fuck on the kitchen table whilst all the papers they’re supposed to be working on scatter to the floor. There was no one she could speak to the way she spoke to Gigi. She could ramble and rant about her struggles of being a non-white person adopted into a white family and having her entire culture erased, and instead of Gigi saying <em>’oh I’m sure it’s not that bad’</em> or <em>’I bet your mom just wants what’s best for you,’</em> they would just <em>listen.</em> And when Gigi needed to express their disdain for their mom’s lack of effort to try and understand Gigi’s gender-fluid lesbian identity, Crystal would return the favour.</p><p>“Moms are a disease,” Gigi would say whilst the two of them lay nude under Crystal’s duvet, illuminated only by the moon.</p><p>“I don’t need a mom,” the redhead would whisper. “You give much better support. I have you, <em>mi mejor amiga.”</em></p><p>Gigi considered themself dumb as a bag of rocks, but they knew that the English meaning of Crystal’s words was <em>best friend,</em> though part of them wished it didn’t. Because even though Crystal didn’t know it, Gigi knew that best friends didn’t do this sort of thing. If Crystal was merely their best friend, then they wouldn’t be feeling her tits pressed against their side. But, what the two of them had was so special and unique, and Gigi wouldn’t risk that for the world. They allowed the kisses and they allowed the casual hookups despite the pain it caused them because, at the end of the day, it meant they weren’t alone. </p><p>The beauty of their friendship was the carefreeness of it all. When they’d share a little kiss before parting ways when the school bell rang, or when they’d walk off school grounds with one of Gigi’s hands in Crystal’s jean pocket and the other one flicking a cigarette. If one thing was for sure; they did look like a couple. </p><p>Gigi was secure in their identity. They had known they were a lesbian for almost five years now, and had come to terms with their gender fluidity just the year before. People didn’t really understand them, but they respected their pronouns regardless. Crystal always admired Gigi’s comfort in their own skin. The girl had never specified her sexuality to anyone, Gigi included. For all Gigi knew, she could’ve just been an experimental straight girl.</p><p>That chilled December Monday, the two of them walked into school together like always. Crystal had that radiant glow that was a result of a sex-filled weekend, and almost everybody could tell. There were whispers of a new student through the halls, and the redhead caught herself listening in, but Gigi tugged her away before she was able to learn much. The two of them walked to their neighbouring lockers, and Crystal watched Gigi with a smile whilst the latter grabbed their books.</p><p>“I’m so excited to meet the new student. There hasn’t been a new person since I arrived even though that was <em>so</em> long ago. I’ll no longer be fresh meat,” the girl giggled, playing with her red curls.</p><p>“Yeah,” Gigi rolled their eyes, “Maybe they’ll be fucking hot.”</p><p>The sarcasm in their tone was apparent, and Crystal frowned. She reached forward and tucked a strand of blonde hair that had fallen out Gigi’s carefully styled mullet.</p><p>“Don’t worry, lovebug,” she placed a kiss on their nose, “I’m not planning on replacing you anytime soon.”</p><p>Gigi didn’t know it yet, but those words would come back to haunt them. They cursed the bell as it rang, Crystal reminded them they’d see each other in music class, second period, and the two of them separated ways. Crystal headed towards her first-period literature class, unbeknownst to the new face she would encounter there.</p><p>It was the final English class before winter break, and each student who had taken the writing-workshop earlier in the term had been requested to read a short story they had been working on to the class, and it was open for critiques. After sitting through a few unoriginal pieces, it was Crystal’s time to shine. She grabbed her sheet of paper and stood in front of the class with a smile, beginning to read out her piece on <em>irony.</em></p><p>“An old man turned ninety. He won the lottery and then died the next day. It’s like finding a dead fly in your Chardonnay, or it’s like a death row pardon just a minute or two too late. Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?” she took in a breath, preparing to begin the next line when the school’s classic misogynistic devil’s advocate cut in.</p><p>“Hold up! Wait a second,” he called out, and the entire class turned to him with a glare. “That’s <em>actually</em> not ironic. That isn’t how irony works.”</p><p>One of the guy’s friends added on to his statement, “Right? If we are using irony as defined in Greek tragedy, I don’t see how, like, a fly in your beverage applies. Irony is like when the audience knows that a character's words or actions will bring about a tragic or fatal result, but the character is yet to find that out. What you said isn’t irony, that’s just like… shitty?”</p><p>“How about you let the poor girl finish? Her piece is <em>way</em> more interesting than y’all’s were,” a new voice spoke up, and Crystal’s head instantly shot in its direction.</p><p>That was the new girl for sure. She didn’t have a very forgettable face. If Crystal had seen her around before, she would’ve remembered her, and Crystal had seen <em>everyone</em> around before. She was very observant. This new girl was beautiful. Her skin was umber, a dark-yellow brown, and her features were sharp. Threatening, almost, but not in the way she looked at Crystal. She had thick black box braids throw over one shoulder, with glittering golden jewels weaved in at the roots. Crystal couldn’t take her eyes off her as she continued her piece, and she could barely maintain the same eloquence as before now that her mouth had dried up at the mere sight of the girl.</p><p>“It’s like a traffic jam when you’re already late,” she croaked out, shaky hands crumpling the edges of her paper.</p><p>“It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife,” the new girl added on with a smirk, and Crystal felt her whole body vibrate. She hadn’t felt this much since the first time her and Gigi kissed. But whatever this was, it was new.</p><p>The redhead continued after clearing her throat, “It’s like meeting the person of your dreams and then meeting their--”</p><p>“--I’m actually not seeing anyone right now,” the new girl stated out of the blue.</p><p>Crystal drew in a sharp breath, finishing the final few lines of her piece just as the bell rang indicating the end of class. Whilst Crystal is gathering up her stuff to leave, the new girl approached her, practically cornering the girl against the glazed wooden desk.</p><p>“Crystal, is it?” she raised her brow, her voice low yet soft. Like silk.</p><p>“Yeah. You’re new here right?” Crystal tucked her folders under her arm clumsily so she was able to give the girl her still slightly shaky hand. “There hasn’t been a new kid since me, so thanks for taking the pressure off my shoulders.”</p><p>The girl chuckled, shaking the redhead’s hand, “I’m Jaida. I just moved here from Wisconsin.”</p><p>Crystal sneered, “Oooh, how interesting.”</p><p>“Shut up,” the girl grinned, playfully rolling her eyes. </p><p>There was a moment of silence as they took one another in. Jaida was definitely enticing, Crystal thought. The redhead knew that she wanted to be around the girl - that was for sure. It was likely that Gigi would get a little jealous, but that was <em>their</em> problem. Gigi got jealous often and Crystal didn’t quite understand why. It was common knowledge that people could have more than one friend, yet Crystal always felt their eyes burn into her when she was speaking to someone new. They had to sort out their own insecurities before gatekeeping Crystal from expanding her friendship circle, which is why Crystal said;</p><p>“So, there’s this girl who’s having this house party tonight, and like most of the seniors are going. It might be a good place to like, meet the kids from school and stuff. I don’t know if parties are your thing but you give me that vibe…”</p><p>“I do?” Jaida simpered, “Well, you’re right. And I’d love to meet more people here. Everyone has seemed nice so far, aside from those dumbass boys who kept interrupting your piece, which was <em>incredible,</em> might I add.”</p><p>Just as Crystal was trying to utter out a thank you, the second bell rang, meaning she was officially late for class. Her eyes widened and she dropped a couple of her binders on the floor, but Jaida instantly bent down to help her pick them up. Despite her tan skin, Crystal turned a noticeably deep red when flustered, and she was currently feeling hot blood rush to her cheeks.</p><p>“Don’t freak out over being late. Just say you helped out the new kid cause she got lost.”</p><p>“Wisconsin girls are scandalous, huh?”</p><p>The two of them shared a laugh before exchanging phone numbers for the party that night. Crystal waved her off as she headed to her music class where she knew Gigi would be waiting for her, likely frustrated.</p><p>And she was absolutely right, because right as she strutted through the door, giving her teacher a clear explanation for her tardiness, she caught Gigi’s grumbled expression. They were avoiding eye contact whilst aggressively setting up their bass clarinet and fumbling with sheet music. </p><p>The teacher found Crystal’s excuse reasonable, so he didn’t draw her up for detention. He simply asked her to go take her usual seat by Gigi’s side and set up her bari sax. Crystal obliged and headed over to her best friend, smiling awkwardly. There was an uncomfortable energy in the room.</p><p>“So. You were with the new girl?” the blonde stated, still avoiding eye contact. They pursed their lips around their reed and started warming up, blocking out whatever Crystal was about to say in retaliation. </p><p>The redhead sucked her in her cheeks in exasperation. She flung her bag down and slumped into her seat, opening up her saxophone case and setting it up. She knew Gigi would be over this by the end of the day. They always were. They would argue over something petty and Gigi would threaten the future of their friendship, and then Crystal would crawl into their lap, wiping their regretful tears away. Then they’d undress each other and come undone until they both fell asleep and the pain of the day was wiped by morning. It was an unhealthy routine to be in, but neither of them had enough self-respect to care.</p><p>Crystal warmed up for a minute or two, playing Funkytown (the first song she learned on the instrument.) She felt sheepish playing such a stupid song when the tension in the room was so thick. She turned to Gigi, who was tightly pressing their lips together in a thin line, holding back laughter. The sight made Crystal’s eyes soften, and soon she was giggling around her reed. And just like that, things were back to normal.</p><p>“Rock is having a house party tonight. We’re going, right?” Crystal asked, resting her chin on her fist and staring at Gigi, who sighed.</p><p>“You know I can’t do weeknights, Crys,” they said, their expression turning stern again. “My mom is taking me to a church function. Again.”</p><p>“Oh, right,” the redhead placed a hand on her friend’s thigh. “Well, I won’t go either then. Won’t want you to miss out.”</p><p>Gigi cracked a smile, “Thanks.”</p><p>It was a lie, of course. Crystal didn’t understand how Gigi didn’t notice how she was blatantly lying through her teeth considering how familiar they were with one another, but she was also thankful. Gigi could <em>never</em> attend parties or anything of the sort, because their mom usually scolded them for their lack of femininity and forced them to stay home, or dragged them off to church to try and fix them. Their mom would take them to Forever 21 and force them to pick out women’s clothing to try and ‘get their closet back to normal,’ but Gigi would wince at the sight of the skimpy dresses and floral patterns. Everything Gigi’s mom forced Gigi to buy, Gigi would give it to their classmate Nicky who wore the exact same size.</p><p>Crystal felt bad for her friend, she really did, but she would <em>always</em> have to skip big events because of Gigi’s fear of missing out. If they didn’t go to places as a pair, they didn’t go at all, and Crystal found herself getting bored with it. There was absolutely no way Crystal was going to pass up the chance to attend a party with the new girl there. She wanted to get to know her, but she wouldn’t tell Gigi that.</p><p>There was no harm in a single night of freedom away from Gigi. She’d make it up to them eventually, plus they never had to know.</p><p>So when the day ended, Crystal spent the next few hours doing her makeup and picking out an outfit that would compliment her curves. She knew her mom wouldn’t approve. The woman had this perfect image she wanted her daughter to live up to. She wanted their family life to be like a Hallmark Christmas card. Crystal called it whitewashing. They would always butt heads over Crystal’s outfits and outspoken activism, but it was only because of her mom’s desire to keep up a perfect image to the outside world.</p><p>She opted for a pair of short, paint-splattered overalls that clung to her ass like a glove. Under them, she wore a cropped striped jumper that, with a slight lift of her arms, would display the perfect amount of underboob, and then a leather jacket to top it all off. Her mom burst in as she was placing her hair into two half up, half down pigtails, and the look on the woman’s face was laughable.</p><p>“What on <em>Earth</em> are you wearing? Where are you going dressed like that?” </p><p>Crystal sighed and turned around, “I’m going to a party. This is what people wear to parties.”</p><p>“But you hate parties?”</p><p>“Since when? Why do you get to tell me what I hate?”</p><p>Her mom furrowed her brows, placing the laundry basket she had under her arms onto the grey carpet. Crystal felt her heart racing because it wasn’t often that she stood up to her family, but the adrenaline from meeting Jaida and lying to her best friend resulted in her making bold moves.</p><p>“Why do I stress you out <em>so much?</em> Why am <em>I</em> the one that’s tainting the family image? Just because I’m confident in myself? Or outspoken? What do <em>you</em> do that’s so special? Yoga?”</p><p>“I-” her mother was speechless because she knew her daughter was right. Her daughter was right most of the time, but she was too stubborn to admit it. She kicked the laundry basket further into her daughter’s room. “Take your clothes out of the basket before you go. Have a nice night.” She exited and clicked the door shut without another word, and Crystal was left smiling to herself, proud.</p><p>With an hour to go until she was expected to be there, Crystal whipped out her phone to text Jaida.</p><p>
  <strong>[Crystal]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>hey hey hey!!! just sent u the link to rock’s address for tonight. u excited!?</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Jaida]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>not gonna lie, girl. i’m hella nervous</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Crystal]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>oh em gee!!! don’t be! most people at the school r so nice. some of the boys suck but r we really surprised?</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Jaida]</strong>
</p><p><strong>well, thx gorg. see u there ;)</strong> </p><p>Crystal bit her lip, holding back a sheepish grin as she read through the texts. Whilst she was at it, she noticed a few missed messages from Gigi.</p><p>
  <strong>[Gigi]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>the pastor is up my ass again</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>he keeps staring at me. who’s gonna tell him i’m not a minor so he wouldn’t like me. ;)</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>i’m guessing ur studying rn lol. have fun.</strong>
</p><p>The redhead ignored them, clicking her phone shut and reaching down to strap her heels up. She knew she’d have to walk to her party. Her mom refused to take her anywhere, except the occasional barbeque just to give the older woman and her friends brownie points for diversity and inclusivity. It always left a bad taste in Crystal’s mouth.</p><p>She put her clothes away like her mother had asked, before grabbing her phone, keys and safety whistle (in case of emergency,) heading out the house as swiftly as she could just in case her mom had changed her mind.</p><p>In her usual route to Rock’s house, she’d pass through Gigi’s neighbourhood, but she wasn’t willing to take the risk of being seen and interrogated. Instead, she took a back road. It probably wasn’t the safest of paths to take on a dark December night, but she had her whistle and her phone torch, so what was the worst that could happen?</p><p>After twenty minutes of twisting her ankle on her platforms and falling in minor potholes that her eyes had missed, she made it to Rock’s house, where there were a few drunk bodies splayed across her front lawn, touching, smoking, doing all sorts of things. Crystal didn’t recognise anyone on the outside, so she continued inside, looking for a familiar face.</p><p>Across the foyer, she caught Jaida leaning against the wall, talking to some boy Crystal had never seen before. The hand that Jaida had covering her cup was enough indication for Crystal to make her way over. Her ankles were weak and she probably needed a sit-down, but she approached Jaida and gently tugged her away from the boy’s presence, bringing her to safety.</p><p>“You okay?” Crystal questioned, and Jaida nodded with a thankful smile.</p><p>“I just got here and he approached. I didn’t wanna make a bad impression,” the shorter girl explained, her hand still connected to Crystal’s.</p><p>“That’s okay! I’m here now and you know me.”</p><p>“Do I?”</p><p>Crystal frowned, and Jaida shoved her shoulder gently, to show that she was just messing around.</p><p>“All jokes. Wanna dance?” Jaida asked.</p><p>Crystal furrowed her brows, “Well. My ankles are exhausted from the walk here…”</p><p>“If you don’t wanna dance just stay you don’t wanna dance.”</p><p><em>”No!”</em> Crystal shouted, more aggressively than she had anticipated. Jaida chuckled and dragged her to near the speakers where other people were dancing against one another. The shorter woman’s perfume was strong and filled the air, and it was brand new yet so familiar to Crystal. She could revel in the scent all day.</p><p>Crystal didn’t know the song playing, but apparently Jaida did. The latter mouthed the words and moved her hips to the disco-like beat so freely, like she was in a trance. She was so pure and beautiful, it was ridiculous. The redhead fought the urge to pull her in and ask her how to dance, but instead, she remained a few feet away, dancing with Jaida but not dancing <em>with</em> Jaida. Crystal’s dance moves consisted of kicking her legs and waving her arms around like an inflatable tube man, but Jaida seemed to like it.</p><p>When the song ended, Crystal groaned, “I’m being serious this time, my ankles are in so much pain. <em>Please</em> can we take a seat.”</p><p>Jaida agreed and the two of them walked to the back of the house and out to the empty backyard, where they spotted a large swingset that was slightly hidden by an overgrown willow tree. They looked at one another knowingly before rushing to the swings, taking a seat and giggling. Jaida rushed inside to grab her and Crystal vodka cokes, before rushing back outside and placing her ass back on the swing. It wasn’t warm outside, but the redhead felt sweaty and clammy all over.</p><p>“I hate crowds,” she said, and Jaida turned to her, confused.</p><p>“Then why’d you invite me to go here with you?”</p><p>Crystal puffed her cheeks out as she sighed. She had two options; make up some stupid ulterior reason for being at that specific party <em>or</em> be truthful. She chose the latter.</p><p>“This is so stupid but I just wanted to be able to hang out with you,” she cringed at her words, raising her pitch at the end to make it sound like a question. “See, my best friend Gigi and I do everything together. I never get to go to a party on my own, and most of the time they don’t even attend the parties. I just needed a moment away.”</p><p>Jaida nodded, “Is Gigi the one with the mullet you were attached to all day at school?”</p><p>Crystal snorted, “Yep.”</p><p>“I didn’t think you two were just friends. You sure don’t look like it. I swear I saw y’all making out in the hallways.”</p><p>The redhead winced.</p><p>“Yeah, uh. We sort of… do that sometimes. But we are nothing more than friends - seriously. Don’t think we are.”</p><p>Jaida hummed in response, and for a split second, Crystal was convinced she heard her mutter an almost-silent <em>’good’</em> under her breath. If Crystal wasn’t staring at the girl so damn hard, she might have missed it.</p><p>“But yeah Gigi wasn’t allowed to come tonight cause their mom is super religious and is trying to force them to express femininity and date boys or whatever. Yeah, Gigi isn’t into it.”</p><p>The shorter girl shrugged, “Parents suck like that. My dad left when I was a kid, so.”</p><p>Crystal placed her hand over Jaida’s, which was resting on the latter’s thigh, “I’m so sorry, Jaida.”</p><p>“It’s okay. He seemed like a shitty dude anyway. But now I’m like a second parent. My sister is in a wheelchair and my mom struggles to deal with her alone, so I have to help out. I had to grow up <em>way</em> too fast. I’m literally the paternal figure in my sister’s life, so I didn’t get the chance to just be a kid. My sister’s situation stresses my mom out <em>so</em> much, and she just takes it out on me,” she divulged. “Oh God I’m so sorry for dumping that on you--”</p><p>“Ugh please don’t worry! I’m glad you’re comfortable enough to talk to me about stuff like that,” Crystal assured, intertwining her fingers with Jaida’s and gripping her hand tight. “My mom takes all her stress out on me too. My family life is so messy, and my mom just hates to acknowledge our imperfections. I was in the adoption system until I was six when my current family adopted me. I only spoke Spanish and lived in Mexico before then, but now that I’m with this white family, I feel like they’ve just completely drained me of who I really am and what it means to be where I am from. I barely even know how to speak Spanish anymore.”</p><p>“That sounds like the worst.”</p><p>“Yeah, it is.”</p><p>“Moms are a disease,” said Jaida, and suddenly Crystal was thinking back to Gigi, all alone right now, probably having an identity crisis thanks to their mom. She couldn’t help but feel bad about what she was doing right now, going behind their back, blatantly lying. </p><p>She didn’t know that Gigi was sitting alone on their bed right now, feeling more isolated than ever before. They were surrounded by girl’s clothing that their mom had bought for them, and every time they glanced at the colourful fabrics, they’d feel sick to their stomach. Gigi wasn’t <em>like</em> that, no matter how hard they tried to be. All Gigi wanted to be was loved, but their mom refused to love who they really were.</p><p>If Crystal had her phone switched on earlier, she would’ve noticed the text from Gigi that the latter deleted before she had the chance to read it.</p><p>
  <strong>[Gigi]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>everything is fucked when you’re not here.</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>The next day at school was as tense as ever. Crystal didn’t know how much longer she could stomach lying to her best friend so blatantly. She met Gigi at the front gate and pressed a kiss on to their sharp jaw, but they seemed repulsed by it, almost. It might have been all in Crystal’s head, but there was definitely something different about Gigi that day.</p><p>“Did you have a good evening?” Crystal asked as they approached the school building.</p><p>Gigi’s face twisted into a sour look, “You would’ve had a pretty detailed breakdown of how my night went if you replied to my texts, but apparently you were unable to do that.”</p><p>“I’m sorry. My mom was just being <em>so</em> awful last night. You know how she is.”</p><p>The lies couldn’t stop coming. Crystal felt disgusted with herself when the fraudulent words fell from her lips. She felt even worse when she saw Gigi’s dark eyes soften and they reached forward to grip her tan hands.</p><p>“I’m sorry, princess. I shouldn’t be mad at you for that. You’re right, I know how she is. Is everything okay?”</p><p>“Don’t worry bug,” she plastered on a fake smile, leaning in to peck the tip of their friend’s nose. “I’m just fine.” </p><p>She could tell Gigi was still sceptical, though. She could still feel Gigi’s eyes burning into them when Jaida flashed her a smile in the corridor, or when Jaida approached them at lunch to introduce herself to the blonde.</p><p>“Hey, you’re Gigi, right? I’m Jaida!” she introduced with a picture-perfect smile.</p><p>Gigi stared up at the girl through their long lashes, lips pursed around a milk carton. “Yeah. I’m Gigi. That’s me.”</p><p>Jaida gave the blonde another small smile before turning to Crystal. “You’re not going anywhere for winter break, are you?” she asked.</p><p>“Nope!” Crystal exclaimed, popping the ‘p.’</p><p>Gigi stared at their friend with a haunting sense of familiarity. Those dark glances and lip bites that she’d usually only share with Gigi when they were having their way with her were now being shared with someone Crystal <em>barely even knew.</em> What was worse was that they had no reason to hate Jaida. In fact, the girl seemed genuinely kind and sweet. They weren’t scared of Crystal being around a bad influence, they were scared of Crystal realising that Jaida was better than them. Better for Crystal.</p><p>The blonde zoned out, no longer wishing to listen to the two girl’s conversations. She wished she could say she didn’t care, but she did, she just had to get better at pretending not to. Soon - but not soon enough - Jaida was sauntering across the lunchroom, leaving Crystal with a smile that would make you believe the sun shone from Jaida’s ass.</p><p>“God, you’re totally obsessed with her,” said Gigi, trying to cool down the spite in their tone.</p><p>“No I’m not!”</p><p>“It’s pretty clear that you are, princess,” Gigi raised their straw to their lips. “But it’s whatever, I’m not stopping you.” They finished their drink and tossed it in the trash, heading to their next class without another word to their best friend. </p><p>Crystal sighed with discontentment. It felt wonderful having someone new like Jaida in her life, but she felt as if she was losing Gigi more and more every second and the feeling terrified her. She grabbed her bag and headed back to the hallway, where her phone lit up with a text from Jaida.</p><p>
  <strong>[Jaida]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>what do you look so saaad for??? :(</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>cheer up crys. it’s christmas soon!!!</strong>
</p><p>Crystal scoffed.</p><p>
  <strong>[Crystal]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>and that’s supposed to make me feel better how? my family puts the fun in dysfunctional.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Jaida]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>i’m so sorry girl. same here. :(</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>hey, who’s the french girl?  she gave me the most intense stare in the bathrooms…</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Crystal]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>oh that’s nicky, the most bisexual person you will ever meet i swear. she’s in love with everyone. don’t feel threatened by her she’s actually so sweet.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>also btw, i have a way u can cheer me up. ;)</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Jaida]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>how ???</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Crystal]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>come over tonight. 7pm. i’ll text u my address.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Jaida]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>sounds perfect</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Jaida arrived at seven on the dot, and Crystal’s mom answered the door. There was an uncomfortable tension in their air, with Jaida knowing almost every flaw the old woman had yet the latter not knowing of Jaida’s existence. She called Crystal down, Crystal introduced them both, and then the redhead was dragging the shorter girl up the stairs.</p><p>“You should’ve just texted me instead of ringing the doorbell,” Crystal giggled, pulling her into her room and shutting the door behind her.</p><p>Much to her surprise, as soon as the door was closed, she was being pressed against it. Jaida had her hands all over her, pressing their lips together in a bruising kiss that made Crystal’s head spin and her knees weak. She grabbed Jaida’s waist, pulling her closer.</p><p>“Lock the door,” she whispered against Jaida’s lips, and the girl obeyed. Once the door was fully locked, Jaida lifted Crystal onto her bed, kissing her all over, marking her up as if she belonged to her, the same way Gigi used to.</p><p>Crystal couldn’t help but feel guilty as Jaida sucked bruises into her. When Gigi touched her, they would whisper filthy things like <em>’Let me mark you so everyone else knows that you are mine and only mine.’</em> She wasn’t Gigi’s anymore, and she knew they would absolutely hate her for it.</p><p>But the feeling of Jaida’s lips on her skin was so intoxicating, even though she knew it would kill Gigi to see.</p><p>Little did she know, Gigi was making their way down the street right at that moment. Unlike Jaida, Gigi knew the Methyd household always had their front door unlocked. They wanted to see her, to tell her they missed her and they missed the scent of her incense and the softness of her feather mattress and her stack of CDs that grew every time Gigi came over because Gigi would <em>always</em> bring her new music.</p><p>The blonde arrived and opened the front door without ringing the bell, walked up the stairs and stomped through the hall without permission. The scent of Crystal mixed with something new was evident, and when Gigi pushed open that wooden door that read ‘Crystal’s room’ in colourful letters meant for your fridge, their whole world fell apart.</p><p>The new girl’s face was in between the redhead’s legs, lapping up at her wetness despite Crystal constantly telling Gigi that they were the only one who could get her dripping like that. If Crystal was lying about that, God knows what else they were lying about. </p><p>Crystal noticed Gigi’s entrance instantly, and she scrambled to dress herself despite the latter seeing her in that state <em>so</em> many times before. It was as if they and Crystal were strangers now. Jaida’s reaction was delayed, and she kept her dark eyes on Crystal, waiting for her to say something, but no one said anything.</p><p>Gigi simply shook their head and slammed the door, storming back through the hall and running down the stairs two steps at a time. They heard Crystal calling their name but they knew that if they turned around, they wouldn’t be able to stop themselves from slapping the girl square across the face. They continued to attempt to leave until they collided with both of Crystal’s parents at the bottom.</p><p>“Oh, hi, Genevive,” said Crystal’s dad.</p><p>Genevieve. No one called them that. They left that name behind so long ago now, and whenever it was brought back, like at Thanksgiving dinner or at someone’s birthday party, a little part of Gigi died. Every time it was used, it felt like a bullet to their brain. Crystal’s dad had <em>never</em> called them that ever. It was like the Gods above just decided to sprinkle in one more traumatic experience to add to the already gut-wrenching day. They were going to keep making their way towards the exit without another word, but instead, they turned to the couple and said;</p><p>“Oh and I thought you should know that Crystal is in her room with a girl in her bed. They have been having sexual intercourse whilst you were downstairs.”</p><p>Both of their jaws went slack, and they stared at Gigi with immense confusion. The two of them spoke at the same time, a mixture of <em>What</em> and <em>’Sex? With a girl?</em></p><p>“Yeah,” Gigi continued. “I’m sure the girl is parkouring down the side of your house as we speak but she was totally eating your daughter out on her bed.”</p><p> </p><p>Crystal’s mom had already fled upstairs, but once again Crystal’s father dead-named Gigi out of disgust of the blonde’s immense detail in their recounting of what they witnessed. </p><p><em>”And</em> Crystal barely knows this girl, they met like five minutes ago!” they couldn’t stop their voice from increasing to a yell, “And <em>stop</em> calling me Genevive. That’s not my <em>fucking</em> name.”</p><p>And with that and a slammed door, they had left.</p><p>Thanks to Gigi, Crystal had a lot of explaining to do. Her parents were very disapproving about her having sex, despite her being of age and it being perfectly consensual, but they were <em>also</em> extremely confused as to why she was having sex with a <em>girl.</em> Their daughter had never expressed any attraction to anything but men before because they had absolutely no clue what went on behind closed doors with Crystal and Gigi. If they had known that their little hookups had gone on for over a year, Crystal would be done for. </p><p>“Was this your first time?” her mom asked.</p><p>“I do <em>not</em> have to tell you that! I have agency over my own body.”</p><p>Her dad cut in; “Crystal Elizabeth, you are eighteen years old, you are not ready. And girls? How do you even know you like girls? You’re too young for all that.”</p><p>“If you really wanna know, I’m bisexual. Not like it’s any of your damn business cause you’re not my fucking parents,” she shouted to the two of them, hitting them exactly where it hurt.</p><p>Parents of an adopted child never wanted to hear that sentence spoken in their life, yet Crystal said it without hesitance, and she unmistakably said it like she meant it.</p><p>“Crystal. Take that back,” her mom demanded shakily, her voice a little quieter than before after being knocked down by the venomous comment.</p><p>“I’m not taking shit back. How about we discuss how <em>embarrassed</em>always there. Gigi would roll her a blunt when she needed to unwind, Gigi would create mixtapes for her when she got tired of the old folk music her dad would always play, Gigi would make her feel <em>so much</em> when she feared numbness. But now she had lost them. She had lost the <em>one</em> thing that kept her grounded. </p><p>So she had to leave. </p><p>“You just don’t get it at all,” Crystal said finally, tears tumbling down her cheeks. She brushed past her parents and made her way towards her closet, seizing items of clothing she needed and a backpack, stuffing them all in.</p><p>“What are you doing?” her mom questioned, stumbling on her words in bewilderment.</p><p>“It’s none of your business.”</p><p>“Actually it is. You’re our child.”</p><p>Crystal forcefully zipped the backpack up, almost tearing the zipper off, “You don’t own me just because you have a piece of paper in a file folder somewhere.”</p><p>Her parents had given up trying. Part of her wished they would try harder. She wished they would snatch her backpack away, toss it across the room and embrace her in a hug. She wanted them to say sorry. To promise growth. Nothing happened.</p><p>She grabbed her coat from the back of the door and threw it on before turning to the people who raised her one more time.</p><p>
  <em>”You only see what you want to see.”</em>
</p><p>And then she was gone.</p><p>Not even an hour later, she was on the train platform. It was <em>freezing.</em> Her hands were shaky and whitening as she gripped her ticket. Everyone around her was double her age. Most people were going home for Christmas, she assumed, but not her. She was running away. She pulled her phone out, her finger hovering over Gigi’s contact. She had about five minutes to make amends, but she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. She swore she’d never be able to look Gigi in the eye knowing how much she hurt her. </p><p>The train soon rolled up in front, and the crowd surrounding her carried her on. She stared out the window, looking out on to the Southern state that she’d soon be leaving behind. The train couldn’t move fast enough. She thought that maybe she would return in ten years and tell all the people in her previous life tales of the city. She also thought that maybe this was it, and she’d never return at all. </p><p>She cracked a rueful smile at the fields and the towns racing past whilst her nose pressed against the train window, but she couldn’t help but wonder why freedom felt so wrong. Her eyes fluttered shut, and it was as if she blinked and suddenly she was in New York. The sun was rising through the window and the young man that sat opposite her when they set off had been replaced by a middle-aged woman and her baby.</p><p>The spectacle of the high rises as she departed the station sent so much adrenaline coursing through her, so she snapped a picture and sent it to Jaida.</p><p>
  <strong>[Crystal]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>omg i’m in new york! in the east village i think? idk, but it’s incredible.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Jaida]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>whoa </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Crystal]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>my parents won’t stop calling me :\</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Jaida]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>what? </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Crystal]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>oh. i ran away. i couldn’t take it anymore.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Jaida]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>sorry can we talk later lol. i’m with nicky right now.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Crystal]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>oh. you should totally move here with me.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Jaida]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>actually, nicky and i were both talking about going to paris after school. </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>i’m really busy right now crys i can’t</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Crystal]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>are you mad at me? or something?</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Jaida]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>no, it’s just… things got really deep back there with you and gigi. are you sure there isn’t something there you need to sort out? the tension was insane. i feel like i’m coming between something that needs to be talked through and i’m not prepared to first of all, be used, and second of all, ruin a friendship. the way they looked at you crystal. it’s not unnoticeable. and the way you talk about them. i think you love them, crystal. and they certainly love you.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Crystal]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>what?</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Jaida]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>you love gigi, and you need to go home and tell them that before you ruin them and yourself. i’m telling you this because i care about you. as much as i like you, i realise that i can’t have you. gigi is your soulmate. i will find someone else. please go home.</strong>
</p><p>Crystal felt stupid. She should’ve known this entire time. She wondered if maybe Jaida was a guardian angel that only came into her life momentarily just to show the value of Gigi. For the two years that she had known Gigi, she had fallen madly in love with them. They had danced around so much for so long that it was taking a toll on them terribly. They had to be transparent with one another.</p><p>She opened her phone and booked a ticket home, her head spinning too rapidly for her to even care about how dumb it was that she only got to experience New York for ten minutes before recognising that her heart belonged wherever Gigi was. Maybe one day, if everything worked out, she and Gigi would move there together. Gigi could model and Crystal could write and paint and it would all be perfect.</p><p>The train journey there felt mere seconds long, but the return trip seemed to stretch on for days and days, and Crystal’s. She couldn’t stop bouncing her leg whilst her head said the name <em>Gigi, Gigi, Gigi, Gigi</em> over and over. Her fingers tapped against the arm of the seat and all her germaphobic tendencies were out the window. She shuffled in her seat many times, her thoughts swarmed with plump lips, blonde hair, thick lashes. She tried to listen to music to distract herself but the lyrics of every song somehow managed to remind her of them.</p><p>She worried that they wouldn’t let her back in, and she came all this way home for nothing.</p><p>It was pitch black when she reached her local station. She was the only one left in her carriage. Taking in a sharp breath, she slung her bag over her shoulder and stepped on to the platform.</p><p>There they were. Right in front of her.</p><p>They stared at one another for a couple of seconds, shoulders being knocked by other exiting passengers whilst they stood. Gigi’s eyes were fixated on the concrete ground whilst Crystal’s stared into their deep blue eyes.</p><p>And then Crystal was diving in, squeezing Gigi <em>so</em> tight that she thought they might break. But the intensity of the hug was not reciprocated. The redhead pulled back.</p><p>“I’m so glad you came,” Crystal whispered, taking a step back. “How did you know I’d be here?”</p><p>“Jaida told me, actually,” Gigi mumbled, their hands deep in their pockets. “Seems she knows your whereabouts at all time, unlike me. Your best friend. But, whatever. I’m parked right around the corner.”</p><p>The two of them walked with a thick tension laid in the air. Gigi walked a few paces in front, not bothering to spare a single glance at the redhead. Crystal new reconciling this wouldn’t be easy.</p><p>“You’re mad,” Crystal stated, not knowing if she was supposed to have said it out loud or not.</p><p>Gigi stopped in their tracks, still looking straight ahead. </p><p>“Can you guess why? Or are you so far up your own ass these days that you don’t even know-”</p><p>“Geege, I’m <em>really</em> sorry. I was going to tell you.”</p><p>“Yet, you didn’t,” Gigi was trying to stay as calm as possible, but their strong demeanour was beginning to crack. “You didn’t because you knew what you were doing was wrong, but congratulations, Crystal. I’m glad you found something healthy and rational.”</p><p>Crystal was beginning to get frustrated.</p><p>“At no point did we label what we were, but we most definitely were not exclusive,” she grumbled. </p><p>“Yeah. Right. Why would you take this- <em>me</em> seriously, huh. But really, I’m happy for you and Jaida. I wish <em>nothing</em> but the best for you two, truly.”</p><p>“Gigi-”</p><p>The blonde finally turned to her, not letting her get a word in.</p><p>“Did you tell Jaida we were <em>just</em> friends, or did you tell her about the other stuff. Did you tell her about when I went down on you at that time at the cinema? When I had you in my bed and made you <em>scream</em> my name? Does she know how you told me that you would be there for me until the day you died, cause last time I checked, you’re still fucking alive Crysta--”</p><p>”--Gigi, I’m in love with you.”</p><p>There was a gasp. Neither of them knew who it came from, but they both heard it. Gigi’s eyes softened, their jaw clenched and they looked down to the floor once more in shame. Crystal watched as the blonde took in a deep breath, their shoulders rising up, before taking a few steps towards the redhead, grabbing her chin and pulling her into a deep kiss filled with <em>so</em> much love.</p><p>That kiss with Jaida was filled with lust. When she kissed Jaida, she yearned to be touched for the sake of being touched, but now she yearned to be touched just to be touched by Gigi. </p><p>Gigi, her soulmate. The person she had been blindly in love with this entire time. The person that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, until they grew old together and sat on rocking chairs cracking stupid jokes and talking shit like old times.</p><p>There weren’t fireworks, per se, but there was an electric feeling pulsing through them both. They gave one another what no one else could give them. </p><p>When Gigi pulled back, they wiped the smudge of their tinted vaseline off their chin and grinned, “God Crystal, I’m so in love with you.”</p><p>And then they kissed again, and again, then they went to Gigi’s car and they kissed some more, and although they had fucked and kissed so many times, it was as if they were in new bodies, touching one another for the first time.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>A year later, Crystal and Gigi had graduated and were now attending neighbouring colleges in New York City. They had seldom spent days apart since that day on the train platform. They had made their relationship official, and managed to get both of their parents on the same boat with them.</p><p>Crystal rekindled her relationship with her family by starting therapy sessions. Slowly, they were building their bonds up again. They weren’t perfect, but they never would be. </p><p>Jaida, after a very minor heartbreak, fell into a relationship with Nicky. They announced their relationship at graduation, and Crystal was just <em>so</em> glad to see her happy. </p><p>And she was so glad that Gigi’s was hers, she thought as the two of them walked the streets of Manhattan with one of Gigi’s hands in her back pocket and the other one hailing a taxi cab.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i appreciate all comments/kudos whatever if you actually managed to get all the way to the end.</p><p>i wouldn’t say i’m very proud of this but i’m proud i managed to finish it lmao! love you guys.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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